


nevermore

by sciencebluefeelings



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Non-Human Genitalia, Rough Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-06
Updated: 2020-03-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:28:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23034013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sciencebluefeelings/pseuds/sciencebluefeelings
Summary: Spock runs away from Leonard, and Leonard finds himself turning to the ambassador for comfort - only there is no comfort to be found.
Relationships: Leonard "Bones" McCoy Prime/Spock Prime, Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Spock, Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Spock Prime
Comments: 19
Kudos: 75





	nevermore

  
  
Leonard blinks into the harsh artificial starship terminal lighting, scanning the crowd.  
  
Ambassador Spock stands out among the other individuals bustling around him with his slightly taller height and distinct aura. Leonard stops in front of him and huffs out a laugh. "I didn't think Jim was telling the truth, when he'd said you had invited me to your place."  
  
The ambassador merely holds out a hand in reply. Leonard's brain stops functioning for a moment before he realizes the older Vulcan is offering to carry his suitcase.  
  
Leonard stutters. "Oh. That's real kind of you, sir, but I'm good." Leonard averts his eyes from the Vulcan to the ground, not really keen on staring at the spitting image of his - of Spock. Even though Ambassador Spock is Spock, just as much as his - that Spock is Spock. Fuck. Whatever.  
  
This is going to be the longest shore leave ever.  
  
The ambassador is quiet as he looks at Leonard. "There is no need to call me that," he says.  
  
"Oh, okay. Apologies, Ambassador."  
  
And that is the last thing that is said for the duration of their trip. The ambassador leads them to his hovercar and they drive away from the starport down the highway. Leonard sits in the passenger's seat, wanting to start a conversation to break the silence and unable to do so.  
  
It's Leonard's first time on Romulus. It resembles Earth more than New Vulcan, with temperate climate and mild weather. Leonard notes how warmly the ambassador is dressed for the first time.  
  
"We have arrived," the ambassador says softly. They pull up to a curious house - the ambassador's place of residence in this new reality.  
  
For some reason, Leonard is surprised to see the interior structure of the house is identical to a Vulcan home. The ambassador removes his shoes, and Leonard quickly struggles to follow his example. The ambassador says, "I will bring a Romulan barley tea for you. It is the only Romulan beverage you will tolerate that is not alcoholic."  
  
"A what now?" Leonard watches the ambassador slip into the kitchen.  
  
"Please have a seat," the ambassador calls. The sounds of steam fills the air.  
  
Leonard shakes his head and sits down on the far couch. He blows out a long breath.  
  
Time passes. Leonard blinks at the entrance to the silent kitchen. He heaves himself to his feet and peeks in. Ambassador Spock is staring at the sonic kettle, arms wrapped around himself.  
  
Leonard keeps his voice soft. "Ambassador?"  
  
The sound of his voice seems to bring the ambassador back. He blinks and looks at Leonard, untangling his arms. "I apologize, L- Doctor McCoy."  
  
Leonard doesn't comment, just watches the ambassador pour the hot water into the mugs and bring the tray to the main living space. Leonard sits and accepts a mug, which he holds to his chest. "Jim talks to you a lot these days, doesn't he?"  
  
Ambassador Spock hums, a noncommittal sound. Leonard's voice drops. "What was your relationship with him? In your reality?"  
  
Intense brown eyes focus on Leonard. "What is the relationship of this reality's Spock to him?"  
  
Leonard clears his throat. "Friends? Close friends. But not close at the same time."  
  
Ambassador Spock sits back with a small sigh. "I would say the dynamics align as of currently. More or less."  
  
"Uh huh." Leonard can't help raising his eyebrows. "What about you and me?"  
  
Ambassador Spock startles. "Yes?"  
  
Leonard hastily backtracks. "I meant you and my counterpart of your reality."  
  
"Yes. Right." Ambassador Spock clears his throat, a rough, grating sound. His eyes flicker towards Leonard's lips, just long enough for Leonard to notice. "Doctor - forgive me for my poor conduct."  
  
"No no, don't worry. I'm your guest. If anything, I'm intruding in your house. Don't worry about a thing, sir - I mean Ambassador."  
  
Leonard dares look back up at the Vulcan. He doesn't know what expression he was expecting to see, but Leonard doesn't expect to see a face full of wonder and awe and grief. "You are so much like him," the ambassador whispers. " _Ashaya_."  
  
_Beloved._ Leonard is frozen.  
  
"We were often at odds. We clashed." Ambassador Spock pauses. "We learned more about each other, gradually. You always cared deeply for me, as you did for everyone around you. I desired you in that reality."  
  
Leonard is finding it hard to breathe. "What did you do?"  
  
"Nothing. I feared losing the precious connection we already shared. I did not want to push for more."  
  
Leonard's breath shudders, against his will. "That's good that you didn't fucking push, you probably would've lost him like I fucking lost my Spock." Leonard stutters to a stop. "I'm sorry, Ambassador, that was rude of me."  
  
"No, I'm sorry for your pain, Le- Doctor." Ambassador Spock clears his throat again.  
  
Leonard isn't sure he wants to know the answer but he finds himself asking the ambassador, "How much did Jim tell you? About what happened?"  
  
The ambassador is tense before he finally confesses, "Everything."  
  
And with that single word, the memories flow fresh once more, a deep, angry gash, bleeding profusely.  
  
"Shit." Of course it would just be fucking icing on the cake to start crying in front of Ambassador Spock. Leonard stands unsteadily. "I - I'm sorry, I need a moment."  
  
Leonard freezes. Ambassador Spock is also standing, and has Leonard wrapped in a tight embrace. "You need not hide from me. It's okay to cry."  
  
"Don't lie to me," Leonard chokes. It's way too late already, his eyes and nose are already running.  
  
Its the hand that tucks tenderly against Leonard's lower back that tips him over the edge. Leonard breaks down, clutching the slim and tall body that is exactly like Spock's and not like his at the same time.  
  
Ambassador Spock doesn't let go. "Leonard, I'd never lie to you."  
  
Leonard is sobbing openly now. "I hate that fucking bastard."  
  
Ambassador Spock holds him a little too tightly. "He will not complete Kolinahr."  
  
"How can you know that?"  
  
"I, too, ran away and attempted Kolinahr, and I was unable to achieve it."  
  
Leonard pauses. "You also didn't see your mother and planet destroyed in a single day."  
  
The ambassador has no response to that.  
  


  
  
"Oh, lordy."  
  
Spock is instantly alert when the young McCoy wakes. Spock quickly puts down the PADD he was reading and rises from his seat at his desk. McCoy sits up, sluggish, as Spock sits on the bed next to him. McCoy looks up and down at Spock's slightly damp hair and loose sleep robe. His gaze trails down the exposed skin of his neck and chest. Spock clears his throat.  
  
McCoy's gaze flickers back to meet Spock's. "How long have I been out?"  
  
"Four hours. It is not surprising. You have had a long trip. Your body demanded rest."  
  
"Were you waiting for me to wake up this whole time? You could've joined me." McCoy smooths the blankets next to him in an absentminded gesture.  
  
Spock cannot form a reply. McCoy shrugs. "Why bother denying what we both want?"  
  
Spock stands. "You may take this bed. I will occupy the guest quarters." He nods once at McCoy's suitcase, which he had placed next to the bathroom earlier, and promptly leaves.  
  
Spock stands in the middle of the guest bedroom and breathes out slowly. He cannot help listening as the younger McCoy slips into the bathroom. The shower turns on, and as water falls, McCoy undresses and lets his clothing fall to the floor.  
  
Spock slowly sits on the guest bed as McCoy washes. McCoy does not linger in the shower in this reality as well, briskly but thoroughly scrubbing himself himself before turning on the drying sonics. He steps out, and his movements hesitate at his suitcase before going to the bed without putting on any clothing.  
  
Spock listens to McCoy settle under the blankets with reluctance. He turns about noisily. He stops. He moves again. This repeats several times.  
  
McCoy gets out and paces the floor in increasing circles, around the bed and desk.  
  
Spock's brow furrows.  
  
All at once, the noise stops.  
  
Spock is frozen, helpless, as he listens to McCoy exit the bedroom, walk down the hallway and down the stairs. McCoy marches through the open door of the guest bedroom, still completely bare of clothing, and he descends on Spock with a harsh press of lips and stubble to Spock's gasping mouth.  
  
Spock is delayed in blocking out the chaotic thoughts of McCoy's startlingly bright mind. The young doctor is wondering if Spock tastes as sweet as his counterpart, if he makes the same noises when he is taken on his back.  
  
"Leonard, you will regret this," Spock rasps.  
  
"Shut up." Leonard kisses him again, deep and desperate. "Just shut up." He undoes Spock's robe, the only garment he is wearing, shoving him backwards with brutal force. The mattress does little to soften Spock's descent. He grunts as his head slams into the blankets. "Why did you have to talk to him," Leonard says in despair. Spock is pinned immobile to the mattress as Leonard straddles his legs. The fabric of the robe's sleeves pin Spock's arms behind his back. "Why did you have to push him? Your counterpart was still sorting his feelings. I was willing to wait."  
  
Guilt and hope clash, guilt over disrupting the natural progression of events in this universe and bringing pain rather than joy, hope because of the chance to pursue the love of his life once more, and then guilt again for his hope. "He was being stubborn," Spock said through gritted teeth. "He was denying the one thing that would have brought you both true happiness."  
  
"Well, now no one's getting fucking bonded." Leonard is pressing his face to Spock's inner thigh, mouthing at the skin there.  
  
"Leonard!" Spock's hips thrust into the touch as his arms struggle on instinct to slip free, but Leonard's broad hands push him down. His tongue flicks wet and hot and probing at his entrance, at his parting outer folds that are beginning to spill with slick. Spock groans, parting his thighs further. Leonard encourages the action, his burning palms pressed to Spock's inner knees, spreading him further.  
  
Spock blinks his eyes open when Leonard's hands still. Leonard's chest heaves as he looks Spock up and down. Spock feels himself flushing from the intense scrutiny.  
  
"Don't move," Leonard says. Spock feels the cord of his robe slip from under his back. His arms are freed from the robe, only to be knotted to each other and to the bedframe head.  
  
Spock's voice comes rough from low in his throat as Leonard finishes securing the taut cord. " _K'diwa_ , my love, I won't leave you."  
  
"That's not why I'm doing this." It's a lie, a blatant one. Leonard entwines his hands into Spock's and grinds into him, letting his erect cock slip across Spock's exposed slit. Spock lets out a soft noise, straining at the bonds. They are secure, leaving no chance for movement or escape.  
  
Leonard pauses to adjust himself further down and inside Spock's slit. He thrusts his tip above the entrance of the inner canal, which would be far too tight for Leonard to penetrate without any preparation.  
  
"Do it." Spock raises his hips. "So that I can still feel you next morning."  
  
"You say that as if I won't be here when you wake up tomorrow." Leonard stops teasing and pushes inside with no finesse.  
  
The pain is immense. Spock thrashes as Leonard keeps thrusting into him, deeper and deeper. Something inside him is broken. Spock relishes the panic, the uncontrollable fear as his control is ripped from him, the overwhelming sensation of Leonard everywhere inside and above him. Spock gasps heavily for breath as he fights against Leonard's grip. He is unable to escape, left trembling and prone to Leonard's increasingly insistent thrusts.  
  
"Oh god, oh god, Spock." Leonard bites his shoulder and climaxes hard inside Spock. Spock whimpers as he feels heat spill from him as Leonard pulls out. He feels it hot and wet on his legs, seeping under his lower back. Leonard stares. "Shit. Spock, you're bleeding."  
  
"I am aware," Spock grits out, trying to regain control in his limp arms and legs. "I have not achieved orgasm yet, Leonard."  
  
"Well," Leonard says in a soft voice, "We can't have that, now, can we?" Spock groans as Leonard's skilled fingers find his nipples, brushing through chest hair before tugging and twisting the taut buds at a merciless rate. Spock tries to yank his body away, but the cord around Spock's wrists are still tight. Leonard holds Spock's legs down to the mattress with his legs, and lets one hand drift down to dip inside Spock and firmly rub his inner walls.  
  
"Leonard," Spock manages to say before everything tenses in bright bliss. He loses track of how much time passes before he registers the pressure of Leonard's fingers on his wrists undoing the tight knots, the chilling cool of slick and fluids between Spock's spread thighs.  
  
Leonard murmurs as he finally releases Spock, and Spock hisses in pain. The rejuvenated circulation is making his limbs ache. "Come on, bathroom." Leonard helps Spock away from the messy sheets. His hands stay pressed to Spock's skin as the sonic shower cleans them.  
  
They exit the shower together. Leonard locates the first aid kit and immediately Spock says, "No."  
  
"At least let me treat the worst of it. Doctor's orders," Leonard snaps. His eyes are focused on the sluggishly bleeding bite mark on Spock's shoulder. Spock silently fumes as Leonard prepares to heal the worst of the wounds and most of the tearing inside his slit. "Don't want you getting the sheets all messy, Ambassador." He mutters under his breath, "Not to mention I'm still mad at you for the meddling shit you've been trying to pull off."  
  
At that, Spock stops resisting completely. He watches Leonard ease his throbbing pain and resents the loss.  
  
"Let's go." Without clearing the kit or the sheets wet with blood and semen, Leonard pulls Spock out of the guest quarters and leads him to Spock's bedroom. His grip on Spock stays possessive as they slip under the covers. Spock's breath shudders. The haze of passion has faded, leaving him with a clear sense of guilt. This is not right. Spock had only intended to provide the young McCoy with company, with detached comfort. Spock is confusing the young doctor.  
  
Despite the conflict in his chest, Spock gets into his bed and does not protest when Leonard slips in behind him. Spock knows only the warmth of an arm tight around him, and then he knows nothing.  
  


  
  
Leonard can't fall asleep.  
  
Sure, he knows Spock is completely fucked out, not to mention he explicitly promised not to leave, but the paranoia persists. And the lingering taste of guilt for how carelessly he treated Spock's body - no, for how not-guilty he feels. Leonard watches the ambassador's bare chest rise and fall in the strengthening morning light. The bruises and bites become more prominent. Leonard finds himself tracing over each one with a single outstretched finger, circling a nipple and then the other. Spock doesn't wake up.  
  
Morning turns into early afternoon. Leonard cedes and gets up to use the bathroom and brush his teeth. He keeps an eye on Spock the entire time. The moment he is finished washing his face he gets back into bed with him.  
  
Spock finally blinks his eyes open, looking at Leonard with wariness and soft affection all at once.  
  
Leonard leans down to kiss Spock, and he is stopped by a gentle hand to his chest. "I am at fault," the ambassador says, his voice small. "We should not continue this course of action. I am confusing you."  
  
Leonard shakes his head. "I want you."  
  
"You do not want me. You are in love with my younger counterpart. You will go back to him someday, and we must both accept that."  
  
Ambassador Spock attempts to get up, only to be roughly pushed back down. Leonard buries his face into Spock's neck, kissing the sensitive, worn skin. Spock grips Leonard's waist, neither drawing him closer nor pushing him away. A desperate desire slips through Spock's shields, through his mental fortitude that had remained impervious when they had sex last night.  
  
Leonard feels Spock's need to touch Leonard and Leonard's mind, a need that wins over logic every time.  
  
Leonard kisses Spock and growls low in his throat when the touch is reciprocated, escalating into Spock's wrists pinned under Leonard's hands once more.  
  


  
  
"Why do they all leave me, Spock?"  
  
Spock doesn't open his eyes. Leonard's coarse beard brushes against Spock's neck, and then Spock feels Leonard's head rest on Spock's pillow right behind him.  
  
"Jocelyn, him - what am I doing wrong?"  
  
Spock could say it has nothing to do with McCoy. That it is highly likely that his counterpart is afraid, afraid of how beautiful McCoy is, how terrifying he is when he loves with that overwhelming, unconditional love. That soon his counterpart will feel McCoy call for him within his journey to pursue logic, and his counterpart will be unable to resist returning to him.  
  
Spock doesn't say anything. He clutches Leonard's arms tighter where they wrap around his bare torso. He tilts his head back and kisses Leonard on the lips.  
  
"I will not leave you, Leonard."  
  


  
  
"Jim," Spock says over their first meal of the day. "What is he going to do?"  
  
The young doctor sighs and taps his PADD. "Applying for admiralty."  
  
The patterns of this reality have not changed, they have merely been accelerated. Even if the young captain becomes an admiral, someday he will be reunited with his first and best destiny as a starship captain. "And you, Doctor? What will you do?"  
  
"I don't know," he says simply, staring at his glass of water. Condensation is forming on its simple clear ridges. Leonard's hands clench and unclench. "Could I stay with you?"  
  
Spock does not reply right away, if only to give the appearance he has given the request consideration. "You may. For as long as you wish."  
  
Spock already knows Leonard will not stay long.  
  


Leonard loses track of the days, and he doesn't remember the first night he forwent sex with the ambassador in favor of bawling his eyes out again. He blames it on the whiskey.

The ambassador had just held Leonard close under the sheets. In the morning Leonard pushes him to his stomach and takes him from behind while in full contact with the shuddering skin beneath him. The ambassador comes before Leonard, gasping as he grasps at the sheets, nearly tearing them.

One day Leonard asks for a meld. He knows what that means in the culture that is not his own. But after knowing a particular taste of comfort for so long, he acutely feels the loss, the lack of fingers on his face bringing a pulsing, deep sort of contentment.  
  
Ambassador Spock looks at Leonard, eyes dark and emotionless, and refuses to meld with him.

Leonard is pissed. He isn't the Leonard of the ambassador's world, but the ambassador treats him a certain way, as if he is. He anticipates Leonard's actions with infuriating precision, he is always somehow one step ahead.

Everything Leonard does, everything he says, he attempts to do in defiance of the shadow that he cannot seem to shake off. The ambassador always just watches, listens, and says in an achingly sad voice, "You are so much like him."

  
  
  
The young Leonard receives a call from the young Captain Kirk.  
  
Spock is sitting on the couch as he watches Leonard, who has abandoned his spot next to Spock to pace across the room, animated, back and forth. His robes brush the pristine floor with each step. Spock hears the young captain's urgent voice through the comm and Leonard's own harried replies, and he knows time is almost up. He is about to lose the doctor again.  
  
The young doctor's eyes are wavering. "He's coming back? No. No. Well, I think so, but - oh, fuck it. Just transfer the call."  
  
A silent moment of anticipation.  
  
Leonard looks at Spock with wide eyes. "Hi. Yeah. Uh, it's me." Leonard stops and listens. "I'm on Romulus. I can be there in less than a day."  
  
Leonard's voice falters. He sits back down on the couch next to Spock. "Why, Spock?" His voice is full of pain. Spock closes his eyes. More silence.

Leonard lowers the comm as Spock looks at him. Leonard says, "Your counterpart hung up without even apologizing." Spock doesn't respond. Leonard turns to Spock. "You know I'll stay if you ask me. So say it."  
  
_Do not lie,_ Spock wants to say. He looks at Leonard, who is staring back with taut lips. Spock does not know what expression his own face is revealing to the young doctor.  
  
Leonard is in front of Spock. He's on his knees. "Spock. Just say it, and I'll stay. Please. _Spock._ "  
  
For a fraction of a second, Spock imagines what it could have been like if his love for the doctor had truly been reciprocated.  
  
His imaginations are only a fantasy. The reality is that the person standing in front of him never belonged to Spock. As often as Spock had promised not to leave Leonard, he could not ask the young doctor to do the same.

Spock keeps his head bowed. "Goodbye, Leonard."  
  
He does not raise his head again. Spock listens to McCoy slowly rise to his feet. McCoy slips to the bedroom where his belongings and suitcase were never unpacked. The bites and bruises on Spock's skin are already almost gone due to his enhanced healing.  
  
Spock hears McCoy calling Jim again as the hovercar arrives to transport him to the starship terminal. His voice is muffled when the door slams shut and the car speeds off.  
  
It is only when the noise of the vehicle has completely faded when Spock allows silent tears to spill over into his lap.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! 🥰 I appreciate all kudos and comments, no matter how big or small.


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